In Retrospective.

"I feel more alive on tour, in the studio, or at shows than anywhere else. If I could do it forever I would."

- Mike, Pianos Become The Teeth Interview-

Recently I've been forced to confront the discomforts of my future life. There are so many factors that complicate this issue: struggles with who I'd like to become and what I'd like to try and do for this world, as well as constantly questioning my own self-worth and what exactly i can do. Meanwhile, I think of my friends, family, and brothers scattered around this wonderful state I call home and the rest of the midwest. How do I balance ambition with who I am (and the people that form) at my foundation? It's a tricky subject that I haven't quite figured out yet.

Lately I've been struck with sooo much homesickness I can't go a day without thinking about it. This looming presence of the future has me always reflecting on my past, and the people and events that shaped me and share in the present with me. And it's funny because I feel homesick about things that i'm doing in the moment. My one consolation (consolation prize anybody?) is a phrase from "Mere Christianity" Lewis states, "you have to let something die, let it go, in order to really appreciate it for what is." I think of this, and just try to appreciate the moments for what they are: living in the moment or whatever. And as what really matters sinks in more and more, I've been trying to be proactive as possible to acknowledge and embrace these things to the best of my ability. Gary says, "live life to the fullest". A pretty basic phrase that means quite a bit when coming from someone who I know will always have my best interest at heart. I'll see what I can do. Looking at the quote from Gary, and from Mike, I think of what makes me feel alive: school, simple hang times, definitely music, but more so what music means: friends.

And there are many many things I'm mega pumped about in the near future. I'll be playing and seeing some really rad shows, and more importantly hanging with some awesome dudes. Maybe Nate will get food poisoning again and Gary and I will laugh. I finally saw Mandy the other day. Elliot is ridiculously cute, and it was good to catch up. I'm going to a wedding this weekend with Danielle that should also be pretty fun: there will prolly be delicious foods and drinks. I've been hanging with Jaye and Ray more. There company has been taken for granted most of this year. The weather is getting nice, and the city and campus are alive again, a refreshing atmosphere to finish out my college career.

The Wonder Years - The Upsides